The Last Blog... A Beautiful Ending With New Beginnings For María.
Hey everyone, Ryan here. It’s been on my mind a lot recently to update you all. I know you all say it and I know I don’t owe this to anyone, but I feel like Maria and I have been so transparent for so long that I don’t want to leave you all on a “cliffhanger.” I also want to finish this story and put it behind me in a beautiful way. First and foremost, I want to thank you all for being our greatest and biggest support system. There are truly no words to fully express the gratitude Maria and I have for each and everyone of you. I'm going to also share lots of pictures and they are going to be in random order throughout the blog. So I hope you enjoy them and can see all the fun we had in-between the hardships.
It’s been a minute since Maria’s last blog and a lot happened between July 9th and September 2nd. Although you all already know the end of the story, I still have lots to share. This will most likely be the last blog so please expect it to be long, heavy, beautiful, joyful, and sad. Because as I write this, I’m feeling all of those emotions and I hope I can convey that feeling as you’re reading this.
After Maria and I shared that we are doing a surrogacy journey, we created an Instagram account (@rm.surrogacy) where we posted all the updates there. That account is still active so for further information, you can head over there for more updates as things progress. I don’t have much to say about that process other than that I’m currently taking time for myself, taking time to recover, finding myself again, figuring out what I want in life, where I want to be, and what my new purpose and direction in life is. I’m quite confused (as I'm sure you can understand) as to what I should be doing and where I’m supposed to be in life so while I figure myself out, the surrogacy journey is on the back burner and hanging out. It’s quite crucial that I’m mentally capable of being a father and in the right headspace for a child. Right now, I just want to take time to grieve and breathe after a very tough and devastating year. Do I still want to be a father? Absolutely! So please don’t misinterpret this. Maria passed away 3 months ago, so I just need time to recover properly and I want to avoid jumping into something to avoid my feelings, the pain and difficult emotions. So that’s the short and simple surrogacy journey update 😀
Now to update you on what has happened after July 9th! — — — — —
Some fun and amazing news!! On July 22nd Maria and I received a call from the cancer specialist to tell us that MORE THAN ½ OF HER CANCER WAS GONE!! Either completely gone in some areas or shrunk more than ½ in other areas. (You’re probably wondering why am I sharing this with you now… or is this something to still be happy about considering what happened?!) Well to answer your two questions, YES! Maria and I were SUPER excited to share this fun and amazing news with you and I’m still so happy currently writing this. This was huge for us! We truly felt and saw God's miracle and blessing on that day! The cancer in her body was just disappearing and it was a huge medical miracle and the doctor said he was so happy to FINALLY share good news with us for once! I recorded the entire moment because for some reason, deep down inside, I felt like I was supposed to record this call and I’m SO HAPPY I listened to that little voice inside my head and recorded our reactions.
During this time, Maria was stronger, healthier, and her blood tests and liver values were amazing. So it’s truly no wonder why we got such amazing news. (However, here comes the plot twist…) I know… I know… you’re probably asking “Can we ever get good news without bad news?” Unfortunately not in our story… With our great news from the doctor, Maria followed it up with a great question. “Can I take a break now and pause treatment?” she asked with her hopes high. “Unfortunately not, we have to keep going while the cancer is going away. It’s my recommendation that we don’t stop,” the doctor replied. As I looked at Maria while he’s telling her this news, I can see her face go from joy, and excitement to devastation.
After we finished the call, Maria couldn't help but cry. They were tears from exhaustion and pure disappointment that she couldn’t take a well deserved break. She was honest with me and told me that she wasn’t sure if she could keep doing treatment. All she wanted was a break and she truly deserved one. All Maria wanted was 3-6 months of no chemo where she could recover, not feel sick, not drive back and forth to hospitals, and not be afraid of puking blood or being admitted to the hospital. All she ever wanted was a break that they always promised her but never gave her. So her feelings and emotions were completely valid.
If you remember, after every new treatment plan, they told Maria that she would have the opportunity to take a break and for her body to recover. However, as her cancer progressed, her treatment plans kept getting extended. So she felt like with this amazing news, they were going to follow it up with her taking a little break. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way for her. Although she really wanted to share the amazing news with you all, she couldn’t work herself up to writing a blog to share the news because I believe that part of her felt devastated that she had to continue treatment. Plus, keep in mind that writing blogs put us in a state where we have to "re-live" the event. So it’s not always easy to write down devastating events when we just want to move past them or forget about it.
Of course my natural reaction as her husband was that I 100% agreed with the doctor. I wanted a healthy wife again. However, to be completely honest, I felt exhausted, burnt out, emotionally drained, and just down all around just as much as Maria. Although I wasn’t the one physically going through it, I was the person who saw it all and went through it all with her. I saw her suffer before my eyes in so much pain where there was no pain killer that could relieve her for even a minute and I couldn’t do anything but tell her that it’ll be ok and hold her hand. At times, I would tell her that it was going to be ok but deep down, I actually wasn’t sure if it was going to be ok and I was scared just as much as her. I saw Maria cry all the time because of her sickness, loss of direction in life, loss of purpose, loss of her independence, fear of dying, you name it. I also never slept when Maria didn’t sleep. Everytime Maria woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night (roughly between 2-5 times a night) I would wake up with her to make sureshe was ok and that I wasn’t going to find her passed out on the floor. I was her 24/7 care giver and I’m so happy I was.
Don’t get me wrong, there was absolutely nothing else I would have rather been doing, but by July 22, Maria and I were both EXHAUSTED. So when we got that call, I got a spark within me that I needed for her. I felt like I could keep on going for months because I felt like I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like this was the news I needed for the last push before she was cancer free. So it was my natural reaction for her to just keep doing treatment. But again… those are feelings of a loved one who wants their significant other to live and to be here on this earth. Maria’s feelings were different and her feelings were 100% valid. I think that both of our emotions and our reactions were quite normal and neither of us were in the wrong. However, at the end of the day, it truly came down to Maria’s decision and I just did my best to stay positive and to support her. Truly it’s not about what I want for her, it’s about what she can physically and mentally do. So we agreed that she would take some time to think about it. To rest, sleep on it, and to not make any immediate decisions. Thankfully after some time and with a clear head, Maria decided to continue treatment.
We then went to our next scheduled treatment where Maria went into Lillehammer hospital every week on Mondays for chemo. However, the last few sessions, something had been off and Maria always ended up being admitted into the hospital. It came to the conclusion that getting treatment every week was just too much for Maria’s body. Her immune system wasn’t recovering fast enough for her to be able to get the next treatment in time. This led to Maria being admitted to the hospital for blood transfusions, admitted because they were afraid that she would get sick, or she was admitted because she had a high fever which meant that she got an infection of some kind. Which by the way wasn't hard to get if you have no immune system.
After yet another stay in the hospital… they changed Maria’s treatment plans AGAIN. This time she was doing chemo every 2 weeks rather than every week. At that time, we were pretty happy with that plan (although it pushed her deadline back for having a break). This gave Maria more time to recover and more time to be “healthy” to do things that she liked. But we found out that Maria’s immune system still wasn’t recovering as quickly as we needed. So the doctors had us inject her with an immune booster a few days before each treatment to help her immune system. At the time we were stoked about it because all we wanted was for her to be done with treatment. However, it was just a very short temporary fix. It wasn’t really Maria’s immune system because at that point, Maria’s immune system nearly stopped trying to recover itself. Maria’s immune system was relying on outside drugs to recover itself. The doctors ended up saying that her blood values were essentially “false” because they needed assistance to get to where it was and they would rather have Maria’s body produce the right blood values without drugs. This led to Maria’s immune system taking longer, and longer, and longer to recover. This of course was normal with the amount of chemo that she had.
Keeping positive, Maria and I decided to book a short weekend cruise to Germany on August 12th (don't worry, her immune system was actually good at this time without medication). This trip was super fun for us! It was the first time I was on a cruise and it was perfect. Maria and I had a nice cozy cabin and enjoyed walking around the ship, going to shows, going to the pool, and enjoyed lots of relaxing time together. Maria and I became really good at just relaxing which is completely opposite of who we are as people. While we were on the ship, Maria would crochet a future baby blanket and I would just read a book sitting next to her. One night in particular, we found ourselves in a nice cozy jazz lounge and we spent hours there relaxing. Maria was crocheting the entire time while I was reading while there was live jazz music playing in the lounge. Once we got to Germany, we spent about 4 hours in Kiel before we had to get back on the boat and head back to Oslo. Overall, that trip was super great and restful for us.
On Maria’s next 2-week break, we then booked a trip to Iceland to see some friends and family. We started to not enjoy Lillehammer that much because we knew almost no one in Lillehammer and we had no community. Maira needed some girl time with her friends, I needed a change of scenery, and we needed some fresh Icelandic air. So off we went to Iceland. Let me just start with wow.... wOW… and WOW!!… What a dream vacation for us.
I wish Maria could be here to write about how amazing this trip was for her & us but I’ll do my best to share. Maria and I flew to Iceland on August 19th to participate in the Icelandic marathon. I however did the 10k as I didn’t have lots of time for training. A lot of Maria’s family and our friends joined in and did the race with us to run for Maria and to raise money for an organization that was specific to young adults with cancer in Iceland. It was just a beautiful and amazing day and Maria was so, so, happy.
While we were in Iceland, Maria and I were just two different people. I would label us as acting like “newly-weds” on this trip. We were just so fun, silly, joking all the time, and adventurous. I felt like we were our original selves before her sickness. Maria and I went swimming everyday and for extra fun, we chose a different swimming pool everyday. We even treated ourselves to the famous Icelandic ice cream and they even had VEGAN OPTIONS!!! That was a huge win for us as well. Maria was just so, so, so, happy and she got recharged by seeing all her best friends, seeing her family, and driving around Iceland with me. For 10 beautiful days, we were able to put cancer behind us and talk and think about other things.
While we were in Iceland, we stayed at a friend's cabin. Along the way to the cabin, we decided to see some cool places and act like tourists. And wow... did we get amazing weather or what!! Sunshine everyday and NO WIND. If you’ve never been to Iceland, picture a beautiful place… but windy. Now picture a beautiful landscape… but with no trees… Now picture Iceland… but with clouds and rain. That is Iceland in a nutshell. That’s also what Maria and I packed for. We prepared ourselves for wind, rain, and cold temperatures. But we got Iceland's hottest summer days and that was just what we needed!
Maria was also able to go to another friends cabin one night with her best friends and it was the first time we were away from each other in over 6 months… I survived as you can see haha I knew everything was going to be ok but I’m sure I still texted the girls when Maria was supposed to take her meds haha – That was the first time Maria and I felt ready and safe for her to sleep somewhere else overnight without me and we both agreed that it felt weird and we were happy to be back together afterwards. But we were also both really happy she got quality time with her friends. I remember when she came back from her girls trip, she was just GLOWING. She had a huge smile, she was full of life, and so much joy. She was just so happy to be in Iceland and around a great community.
On this trip, Maria and I also got to spend a lot of great quality time together. (You’re probably thinking, “you’re together all the time… how did you not get quality time before?”) To answer your question, this trip was different. We were different and I felt like the quality time we had together was more intentional, deep, beautiful, and non-cancer related. We were truly present with each other and it was fun to just be together talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Nice quiet mornings, breakfast on the patio overlooking Iceland's beautiful landscape, and nice long walks in the sun. The trip was just perfect for us and we couldn’t have asked for a better trip.
When it came time to leave back to Norway, Maria and I were quite sad about it. We talked about getting her treatment transferred to Iceland so she could be around her community more because we both realized having a large and great community really helped her mentally and emotionally. So we kept that in the back of our minds and planned on bringing that up with the doctors at our next appointment. So on Sunday, August 28th, we flew home happy, recharged and with a game plan in mind.
Here comes the turn of events — — — — —
On Monday, August 29th, Maria woke up with a massive headache and told me that she couldn’t really see out of both of her eyes. She best described it as ½ of each eye was blind. She couldn’t see anything on the left side of each eye, so you had to stand on the right side for her to be able to see you. It hit me instantly that this was bad... It was scary to wake up to news like this and it was the morning of her next round of treatment. I told Maria we had to hurry to the hospital and get there early to talk to the nursing staff about it. So we quickly ate some food and rushed out the door. Along the way, Maria had me pull over for her to puke! It was the first time she puked since March… The first time she puked since her emergency surgery & coma. My heart was in my stomach as I knew, none of this was good. The headaches, the fact she couldn’t really see, and that she puked. All of these were big red flags for me but I continued to tell her it would be ok to keep her calm. I just knew that we just had to get to the hospital fast.
Once we arrived, we told the doctors and the nurses on the treatment floor about Maria’s newest symptoms. They decided to not do treatment and to take pictures of her brain instead. We knew since they decided to not do treatment that it had to have been bad. The doctor came back and told us that the cancer did in fact spread to her brain and that they were not going to continue with treatment at that time. The doctor told us that Maria’s brain started to bleed and the cancer had spread to her brain on her occipital lobe which is why she wasn’t able to see very well.
This came to a HUGE surprise for us. I couldn’t believe it even though all of the signs were there. I couldn’t understand how this happened after 10 amazing days in Iceland and I couldn’t comprehend how this was true after more than ½ of her cancer was gone… When the doctor told us the news, Maria and I just held each other and cried. We couldn’t help but say sorry to each other but for two completely different reasons. “I’m so sorry.. I’m so, so, sorry… I love you so much!” I would tell her while crying uncontrollably. “No, I’m so sorry! I’m sorry we didn’t win… I love you so much too!” she would tell me while also crying uncontrollably. We just held each other and didn’t want to let go and Maria just kept saying she couldn’t believe it.
I immediately asked the doctor what our time frame was and he told us “it could be days, it could be weeks, or it could be a couple of months. It’s hard to tell when the cancer is in the brain. It’s different for every patient… so I can't guarantee you a time frame... I'm sorry...” I then followed it up with “how can we tell if it’s continuing to spread?” He then told us that if Maria continues to have lots of pain in her head and if her vision continues to get worse, that the cancer is spreading.
The treatment plan then changed again and they decided they were going to stop chemo and start radiation to try and reduce, stabilize, or get rid of the cancer in the back of her head. To me… I kept asking myself deep down if it was worth it. The timeline didn’t seem so promising and I just wanted to be with Maria if the worst case was going to happen. However, Maria ended up asking the doctor what he recommended and he said, “if you were my daughter, I would want you to do radiation.” So Maria agreed to radiation and they created a new treatment plan for her.
They transferred Maria to Gjøvik hospital (45 minutes away from Lillehammer) but Maria didn’t make it to radiation. We got the news on Monday that the cancer had spread to her brain and they transferred her to Gjøvik on Wednesday. On Wednesday and Thursday, Maria seemed to be herself but her pain and her vision was getting worse and worse. She would stumble when she would walk, she would walk into things, and she had a hard time keeping her eyes open. They also had to put in a pain pump into her stomach where it would automatically give her morphine every 30 minutes because Maria’s pain was so bad. At times, I would have to give her a boost because she couldn’t wait a full 30 minutes. This led her to being a little “out of it” and very sleepy.
On Thursday, Maria ended up talking to each family member one-by-one. I felt deep down inside that it was odd that she was doing that and I immediately thought that she was saying her goodbyes without her announcing it. Maria was so calm, she was strong, and she seemed very much at peace when she was speaking to all of us.
Thursday evening on September 1st, it was just me, Maria, and her siblings and it was super great. We were laughing, telling jokes, watching Disney + in Icelandic (all of Marias favorites of course) and had sushi together (Marias favorite food). But I had a bad and scary feeling inside of me because as the night progressed, I felt like Maria was changing and being less like herself. I could see Maria getting worse because I was with her every second of the day. I saw how often she was in pain and deep down, I knew the cancer was spreading.
After her siblings had left, Maria and I went to bed and I just held her and cried. I cried and I couldn’t stop because I didn’t want this to be real. I kept praying that I would trade places with her or that God could come in at the last second and heal her completely. Maria held onto me and told me it was going to be ok. She was so strong and was rubbing my back trying to sooth me while telling me she was sorry for everything and that she was ready to go... She told me that she was tired and she was ready to not suffer any longer. She then followed it up by telling me she wanted me to be happy again, to find someone new, and for all of us in her family to take care of each other. She also told me to love Chloe and Sunny extra for her because she didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to them. With tears just flowing down my face realizing this was our goodbye, I told her it was ok. I told her that she didn’t have to fight anymore and that it was ok for her to go. I told her that she was going to a place where there was no more pain and no more suffering. I told her that she’ll be able to run again and run as much as she wants without getting tired and that she’s going to a place where she can always be happy and no longer feel sick. She squeezed me a little tighter and said thank you. She said she was ready and excited to go to Heaven and that she couldn’t wait to see me up there. But she ended it with “you better take your time. You have lots to do here before you’re in Heaven.”
That next morning I woke up to Maria laying on top of me and completely out of it. She was laying across my chest, holding me. I woke up in a panic because I knew something was off by how she looked. I immediately went into a panic and asked her repeatedly if she was ok but there was little to no response from her. I then started to tell her that I just loved her so much and to relax. She was able to tell me that she loved me one more time before eventually, she just stopped speaking. I called her family and they came quickly to the hospital and we were all around her kissing her, telling her we loved her, reading messages and playing audio recordings from friends and family members, and playing her favorite music to keep her relaxed. Maria laid there and didn’t move but continued to breathe for a few hours while we were all there together. At 12pm on September 2nd, Maria took her last breath while we were all around her. It was truly the craziest and most devastating moment of my entire life. It was an end that none of us were expecting and an end that happened so suddenly.
However, Maria got what she wanted in the worst case scenario. She told me that if she’s going to die, she wanted to die fast and pain free. Although it’s hard to hear, I also wanted that for her and for myself. I had watched someone suffer for nearly 10-11 months and I couldn’t bear the thought of watching her suffer as she was going to pass.
Looking back, in the very beginning when we got the diagnosis, I told her she was never allowed to quit. I told her she had to make it through and do all the treatments and I asked her to make that promise to me. She told me that she couldn't make that promise but that she was going to do her very best. But in the end, I had realized how big of a request that was. I knew I had to tell her that it was ok and that she didn’t need to fight anymore. I really think that she needed to hear that in order to fully relax and let go and I’m so thankful for the beautiful conversation we had the night before.
It’s easy to focus on the negative things and to point out that Maria didn’t get the big miracle that we all wanted for her. But I choose to see the good and point out all the amazing little miracles that we had during our fight. Maria had a beautiful ending to her journey with a beautiful goodbye to her closest people and with all of us by her side. I thank God that we were able to do treatment near her family, that Maria survived from puking so much blood, that Maria woke up from her coma, that more than ½ of Maria’s cancer went away, that Maria was able to travel when she was feeling strong, that she was able to run a lot, bike a lot, and make a huge impact on this world. There are lots to be thankful for even though she didn’t make it. Meeting Maria and being married to her was my miracle and I’m so thankful that I was able to love her and to be loved by her. Although I still go through lots of ups and downs, our story is amazing and beautiful and I’m so thankful that we had each other.
Before Maria passed, she told me to not regret anything and I don’t think I have anything to regret. We did absolutely EVERYTHING we could to save her life. We juiced so many fruits, we ate extremely healthy, we exercised, we went vegan, tried cold baths/therapy, and more! We fought a big fight and we left it all out on the field and that's all that matters. She specifically told me that we should be proud of everything we did and honestly... I really am! Considering everything we went through, I’m super proud of the both of us and especially her. I think that God really gave us strength and lots of opportunities and I believe that Maria lived much longer than anticipated because of what we were doing alongside her treatments.
With that, this is where our story ends. It was a beautiful life that Maria lived and it was a beautiful marriage that we had. She will forever live in our hearts and our minds and although that’s hard to adjust to, it brings me joy to watch funny videos of us and reminisce on pst adventures. If you knew Maria really well, I’m so thankful you had the opportunity to know her. If you didn’t know her that well or know her at all, I hope you were able to see how amazing she was from what she has written here and from what others have shared. She was my best friend and an amazing wife & dog mom.
Now that we are all grieving, this is a new battle that I’m not only fighting. We are all in this together, so if I can also offer you all advice, it would be to regret nothing, feel the feelings, and don’t push away the pain. It’s so important to grieve properly and to accept what has happened. Although it’s hard, painful, and unfair, it’s necessary for growth and for your own mental and emotional health. Don’t tell yourself to not cry because the Maria would want you to be happy... Don’t do that. It’s ok, you can cry if you want and you probably need to cry. You can’t fully be happy again if you don’t give your body what it needs. Don’t tell yourself not to be sad because Maria is in a better place… yes that is true but you can be sad if you want. You just lost someone! Freakin 'be sad and let it out. But then work on feeling better and finding the good within the hardships. Feel sad if you need but just don't get stuck there.
I noticed a lot of different things about grief since Maria passed and the biggest lie is to keep busy and push the feelings away. The real success and the truth in processing grief (from my personal opinion) is to accept it, feel it, process it, and let it go. Don’t hold everything in and don’t distract yourself with a bunch of things. In the end, you’re just prolonging your suffering. For more help read “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John W. James & Russell Friedman, this book has really helped me during this time.
Thanks again for following along, for praying for us, sending us good vibes, supporting us, and being our greatest support. I will never forget about what you all did for us and I will always be thankful for you all.
With so much love from Maria and me.
❤️
ReplyDeleteGod bless you for sharing these words of your Amazing journey together!! It shows how strong you are as you go through this with God supporting you every step of the way! He has always had a Good plan for you and He will continue to be Faithful to you forever! I’m thankful to call you and Maria family!! Praise the Lord!
ReplyDeleteWe love you so! Grandma Juneau
💛💛💛
ReplyDeleteLovely. Thx for sharing and being brave. Xox Pam and Rod
ReplyDelete💛💛💛 Elsku Ryan, takk fyrir að vera Mariu svona góður vinur, og eiginmaður og standa 100% með henni í gegnum þennan erfiða tíma. Þið áttuð svo fallegt samband sem ég dáðist af ;) þið voruð heppin að eiga hvort annað.
ReplyDeleteGangi þér vel elsku vinur.
Kveðja, Svava
Thank you so much for sharing this, Ryan. I read the whole thing and really appreciate you taking the time to let us know all of these details. Thank you for being vulnerable for sharing what you are learning through all of this. You are always in my prayers! We are in this together.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, the comment above is from Inger! I didn't realize I posted as "Anonymous".
DeleteSo beautiful words 🥰
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this so eloquently, being so open and vulnerable and sharing so much of your beautiful story. For being so loving, kind, inspiring, supportive...<3
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful love story you have. I did not know María (just a fellow Icelander) but your story broke my heart and I am still wiping my tears. Thank you for standing by your wife in this way and the best of luck to you with going forward.
ReplyDeleteElísa
I am incredibly moved by your story. Even as an ER doctor in the US, I am shocked and humbled by how quickly she passed from her initial symptoms to the end. I am so sorry for your loss and pray that you find peace. Thank you for sharing Maria’s journey. I can feel how strong she was and how much of a light she was in this blog.
ReplyDelete