Positivity, Patience and Optimism

Good evening again!! 

I guess I kinda like writing my blogs at night! The last few times, I have liked taken a shower after dinner and then laid in bed writing the blog. It kinda feels relaxing and cozy! So here I am again :) 

I just had a long hot shower (my favorite thing) and while I showered, the ladies changed my bed sheets. So it feels extra clean in here now! My nurse also brought in a happy light (salt lamp I think its called) for me today! How nice of her?!! So so sweet! It already feels so much more cozy in here. Since today is day 8 in the hospital, I guess I might as well start making it look like my home! haha! 

Anyway, the last two days have been the toughest days mentally so far! and I have decided to be completely transparent on this blog. I hope that's okay with everyone. 

The night I released my last blog, I was released from isolation!! Holy moly! It was so incredibly nice! My nurse and I did a little celebration dance together that night. haha! It did not only make my life a lot easier but it also made things so much easier for the whole staff on the floor. 

Since then, I have gotten most of the results back from the test I had done earlier in the week. The gastroscopy came out normal, so they think my nausea might rather be coming from my spleen pushing on my stomach and/or my colon. I got 3/4 parts of the bone marrow results back and those all look fine, which is amazing news. So no sign of bone or blood disease, nor a high level cancer in the bone/blood. The last part will probably come back in the next couple of days, but that was the part they took out and has to be calcified in the lab before further testing. Next was the PET CT scan, which is a fancy but complicated test. As it was explained to me, they injected me with a radiating fluid (through an IV) and then the scan is supposed to light up areas where the cells are using more glucose (sugar). Which means that something is not right. I thought that it would mean cancer right away, but apparently it's not quite that simple. But the results from that scan showed a lot of attraction of sugar to my spleen (not very surprising) and then some in my tonsils. These are the news I received on Wednesday. It was very overwhelming! So many tests and so many different things to keep track of. 

With these results, my doctors were leaning more towards a possible viral infection. So that same day they took a nose swap (felt more like they were touching my brain through my nose) and a throat swap. Those results were supposed to be back that afternoon before the doctors would go home for the day and hopefully finally give me a diagnosis. 

That whole day I had been in a very good mood, very positive and physically and mentally feeling pretty good. However, when the clock was 5pm and the nurse told me the doctors had left and no results were back from the viral tests, I just kinda hit a bottom! I got very sad and lost all motivation. I was so over it! All the tests, all the results, but no real answers!! It's very hard to stay optimistic "forever". I was just really hoping for some answers that afternoon. 

Thankfully, I didn't allow myself to sit and be sad for too long and went on a walk (in the hallway on my floor) and while I was doing my walk, I ran into the physical therapist working with the patients on this floor. We talked for a little bit and he was saying I could definitely start doing some light exercises to prepare my body for whatever is about to come, especially since I have been losing so much weight. Those were some good news to me and he gave me a Theraband (exercise band) to do exercises in my room. So after my walk I did some light exercises for about 20 minutes (very light and not many reps, because let me tell ya! I am WEAK!) But oh my goodness! the difference just little bit of exercise does to your mental health! I felt so much better after! Here is just some of the exercises I did :) very simple, but great for my physical and mental health. 

I feel like my days here at the hospital seem so packed with things, even though they at the same time seem so not packed, I don't know if that makes sense, but that's at least how it feels haha! That day I was also able to FaceTime an old friend from my hometown that I haven't talked to for a while! Her and I were absolutely inseparable growing up. So it was so much fun catching up :) 

Today, I woke up and just waited for the doctors to arrive and come talk to me with the viral results! Thankfully I was able to sleep really well and actually fell asleep after rounds in the morning. Rounds is when the nurses come in and measure my blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen saturation and temperature (they usually do that 4 times during the day), with the first time being around 6am. Then shortly after that, another nurse came in to take more blood test from me (I swear there must be no blood left in my body hah!). They have taken about 10 glasses of blood the last 2 days. Most of them being for regular testing, but the doctors are also looking at possible auto immune disease and things along those line. The results will take few days to come back. 

Around 10:30am after what felt like a LONG wait! The doctors come into my room! 3 doctors and one nurse into my little room! Just that alone already felt a little bit overwhelming. The doctors told me that the viral test came back negative. Which means that there is no active viruses in my body and it can therefore not be the cause of my enlarged spleen. As I thought this was a breaking point for finally have a diagnosis, is was the complete opposite! No viral infection, yay! but also ugh! because now we just have to keep digging for answers. 

The doctors now want to do a biopsy of my tonsils to look at the cells there. The unfortunate part there is that it will take 5-7 days to get those results back! Which just means more wait and no answers. Aaaand even with the results from my tonsils, they won't know if those cells are the same or acting the same as the ones in my spleen. Sorry I am being negative Nancy a little bit right now, but it just seems to be taking forever to figure out what is going on. And the longer the wait, the harder it is to stay positive and optimistic. After this meeting with the doctor I broke down completely and had a very hard time for few hours! I even didn't tell Ryan, nor my family that the doctors had come in with results, because I just didn't have the mental capacity to tell them what the doctors said. Thankfully, I was able to cheer myself up after a little bit and call my mom and Ryan! 

None of this is screaming cancer, but it felt like it in the moment! It just feels like the more they cross off of other things, the more likely it is to be cancer. And now that there could possibly be something in my tonsils, which is a part of the lymphatic system like the spleen, I started getting worried that if it is cancer, maybe it has spread?! and I know lymphatic cancer is one of the most serious cancers you can have!! OOOOF! Yeah! it's a lot going on in my head right now. Buuut! I am going to try to get back to the positive and optimistic person I am and show patience in the process! I know I will be okay! and I know I will tackle whatever is being thrown at me. I have the most amazing support system and there is no choice, but to win this battle. 

I am hoping to get the tonsil biopsy done tomorrow morning and then I will have a meeting with the doctors tomorrow as well to discuss the next steps and how things are looking for a possible surgery. 

Other than dealing with all this, I have been able to keep myself entertained by binge watching Grey's Anatomy (I have never seen that show before but heard SO much about it, so I thought it would be fitting to start it now that I have A LOT of time on my hands). I also finished the first picture in my coloring book and did some crocheting (I am making a baby blanket for future Ryansson/Ryansdottir). And yes I said future!! 

Lastly, like I said earlier, I have been doing some light exercises and been going on walks in the hallway. It has been helping my mental health a lot and hopefully its helping improve my endurance some because DANG! My endurance is absolutely horrible at the moment! Just taking a shower makes me exhausted! It's crazy to see how fast your body can deteriorate. It's all temporary though ;) It will be okay! Soon I will be running a half-marathons again!

I talked to the nurse a little bit earlier and it looks like Ryan might be able to come visit me this weekend! Please pray with me for that to work out! It would make my heart so happy and make my day go by so much faster. On the weekends there are no doctors appointments or testing, so I know the days will feel even longer than they do now. I am crossing fingers and toes for him to come visit this weekend ♡

I am going to end this blog with 5 things I am thankful for! It's something my sister said I should do every night before bed to help me keep my head up. I thought it was a great idea and tonight I am going to share them with you guys :) 

1. I am extremely thankful for all the support I have been getting! 

2. I am thankful for good doctors that are working their butts off trying to help me find answers

3. I am thankful for very sweet nursing staff on my floor

4. I am thankful for my amazing husband that's always there for me (the highest highs and lowest lows)

5. I am thankful for being out of isolation, allowing me to have a little more freedom

Sorry for an emotional rollercoaster of a blog! 

Thanks for reading! and thank you so much for all the support, prayers and messages, it really means the world to me, Ryan and my family! 

I will write a new blog soon with new updates :) 

Have a wonderful day ♡